Isolation: Book 2 of The Quarantine Series Page 16
“Even if you use a condom, they can break,” she protests my rationality. “Everyone thinks they are invincible until they are not.”
“I don’t think I am invincible.”
“Then why won’t you entertain the possibility that you might have an STD?”
“Because there has only been one person in the last five years, unless you have an STD that you’d like to report. However, I already know that you don’t. A copy of your last physical was lying around while your dad was treating you. I might have peeked at it.”
Raven freezes right as I turn the lock to the main door, surprised by my revelation. Actually, surprised might not be the right word. Shocked. Speechless. Stunned.
I hold the door open for her. She hesitates before stepping inside, quietly processing the words while crossing the threshold into the living room.
I have to go back to the split-level, but I walk Raven up the stairs to her room.
“F-four years? I-I… how do you expect me to believe that? I mean… how did you even remember how to do it—”
I tilt my head towards her with a cocky grin. “It’s just like riding a bicycle.”
Raven still looks shocked with her mouth wide open. She suddenly blurts out, “You must have jacked off all the time.”
My chest rumbles with laughter at her cute little face. Oh, I did. All the fucking time, and to a very specific dark haired girl.
“I mean… I don’t understand. Why did you go so long? Nothing was even going on between us…” she wavers off, not sure how to finish the sentence.
I lift a bored shoulder at the thought. “I have already had all the experience in the world. Friends with benefits. Casual dating. No matter what I did, it was always an empty fuck. Once we got together I realized exactly how empty those fucks really were. Sex simply felt hollow.”
Raven is quiet for so long that I open my mouth to follow up my comment. I stop when she speaks in a near inaudible voice. “Was it really never about sex?”
The words jolt me. I stay frozen and stare back.
Raven really is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She is also the most creative person I have ever met. How she thinks, observes, her perspectives; it’s unlike anyone. The aura of her talented mind always leaves me wanting more. No matter how close I get, it’s never enough.
I love all of those things about her, but none of those qualities are the reason why I crave her the way I do. The reason I crave her with this insatiable appetite is because of the way she loves.
Raven has this rare ability to love unconditionally. It doesn’t matter if it’s the friendship love, the romantic kind, or familial love. When she loves someone, it’s a one way street. She loves with all of her heart.
Raven's love is not dramatic. It’s not grand like mine. It’s not loud. It’s unexpressed, in the background. Yet, it’s felt so vividly it will shake you to your core.
Raven’s love is the quiet everyday kind of love, during the most honest moments in life.
It’s easy to miss unless you are paying close attention. I have been paying close attention.
Whenever I pull an all-nighter, somehow my room is clean upon return and my laundry is done. I don’t have to catch her in the act to know that it’s her.
She talks to my dad. She suggests things like downsizing from this mansion of a home for something for modest. She “volunteers” to help him with his budget sheet to skim expenses. Suddenly the bills I am paying for next month are lower than last month.
Whenever she is in the vicinity, my to-do list is significantly smaller. She peeks into my calendar to make a mental note of my remaining to-do items, and simply takes care of them.
Even things that I don't take care of, but stresses me out, Raven takes care of it for me. She calls the doctor daily to provide updates on Tessa. Even though Raven is a shit cook, she brings food for Tessa, Dad and Mia because they always forget to eat.
I have never once asked her to do any of it, nor has she ever taken credit. This is exactly what she has always done for me. It's what made me fall for her in the first place.
Everyone thinks I am the caretaker, Raven included. But Raven is just as big of a caretaker, she simply doesn't express it the same way I do.
Whenever she is around I am automatically calmer because she takes care of me. I need her in the most intregal sense of that word because there has only ever been one person in this world who has ever shared my burden.
Raven even put her only prized possession in this world up for sale. She might be broke, but being from the fashion industry she has collected a vast “designer inventory” over the last eight years.
Theressa insists on the importance of dressing well to break into the fashion world. She has it drilled into Raven’s brain that no one will take her seriously if her own style does not reflect impeccable taste.
Vis-a-vis, that collection represents Raven’s dreams. No matter what has happened in life, she has never once parted with her designer collection.
However, a few days ago, Uncle John told me he didn’t need a loan anymore because Raven insisted on giving it to them.
I snooped around to find out how she is able to provide them with this loan. I found notifications in her email account for various sales listings, including all of her beloved red bottom shoes. Her vintage Chanel purses were each valued at five thousand dollars. Raven’s parents' bank account was listed as the deposit source for all of the payments. It wouldn't be as big of a loan as I planned to give them, but it would have been enough to get them started.
I took down the listings immediately, and wire transferred the loan to Uncle John. If I didn’t snoop, I would have never known and Raven would have never boasted about it.
It’s a good thing that I occasionally hack into Raven’s email account to look for any correspondences with Reid.
Why do I do these things?
Because I don’t know how to love the way she does. She did all of those things, even suppressed her jealousy of Alexa, so my life wouldn’t be more stressful. I would happily make her life stressful if it meant no other men would come near her ever again.
A client of mine often talks about a private island he visits for vacation. The island only has one mansion, and two staff members who sail in daily to cook and clean. The first thought that came to my mind when he told me was to fly to Paris, kidnap Raven, and take her to that island. She would hate it but that’s my fucking love language; stealing her so only I can have her.
But not Raven. She is secure in how she loves.
It took me this long to understand something I should have seen years ago. This understanding is allowing me to stay on my current path.
It's a path I have always wanted to take when it comes to Raven, but I have failed to follow through.
However, for the first time I am able to stay the course because I finally understand the following: Raven knows how to love silently while the rest of us yell and scream to make the other person aware.
Raven loves in a profound way. She doesn’t verbally express her feelings. She doesn’t have to because her actions truly speak louder.
The thing is, Raven also craves that same type of love. It’s her biggest weakness.
She needs to know that she can be loved despite any lackings. She needs to know that I can love her even without the physical aspect. That’s where I have failed her.
Given my actions and our history, I am not sure how I can ever convince her that it was never just about sex. She doesn’t believe me and rightfully so.
I still have to try. “I know you don’t believe that it wasn’t just about sex,” I respond in a muted voice. “My actions never reflected the depth of my feelings. I never meant to hurt you…” I trail off when I see the look on her face.
Raven is still looking at me in disbelief, unsure how to process all of this. However, now there is something else behind that look of hers. One that has stolen my voice and my words.
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Raven
“My actions never reflected the depth of my feelings. I never meant to hurt you…” Milo's voice trails off.
“I know you weren't trying to hurt me," I admit.
I have always known that Milo's intention was never to hurt me. We spinned out of control, and neither of us have any idea how to come back from what happened.
"What you just said... It’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever…I can’t verbalize what it means to me...” I start and stop three sentences. I finally take a deep breath, collect myself, and try again. “That’s the most beautiful sentiment you have ever expressed to me. It’s the second time you have defined the word perfection, and I don’t even believe in perfection.”
Milo is the same age as I am right now when we started sleeping together. At this stage of my life I can navigate a relationship with someone like him.
There are things I understand now that I didn’t understand as a teenager. I received that clarity after gaining some life experience. Now if I date someone, I am much more forward about what I need.
Back then, I looked up to Milo, but I never thought someone like him could want me. He was every teen girl's wet dream. He still is.
I didn’t know where I stood, nor did I dare ask. Milo never even communicated if he stopped fucking other people, let alone share anything this profound.
These are the types of words that alleviate the self esteem problems of an insecure teenager with abandonment issues.
Did he not understand that?
I am staring at him. I can’t stop because this, what he is saying now, is how I have always wanted to be loved. I wanted to be loved despite his need for physical contact.
Up until only a few weeks ago his main focus has always been sex and animalistic lust. Milo told me that he only stopped because our last encounter freaked him out. He wouldn’t have stopped otherwise.
Given his own admission, I hope he understands just how hard I am trying to believe these words. If the sincerity is there, then these words change everything.
Every. Single. Thing.
Because he is right. Everyone else is an empty fuck in comparison to what we had. Not just sex.
The whole package was always empty. Sex, dating, relationship. It has always felt less and missing, which is exactly why I am trying so hard right now despite the fact that Milo scares the shit out of me at times.
I am trying because it’s his love that makes me.
I am trying despite his lust that breaks me.
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Milo
I am staring at Raven but she started it.
I can’t utter a word. Not when she is looking at me in the way that’s a little too familiar. Raven is looking at me how she used to. A look that incites every emotion in me. I have been craving that look for years. There is nothing else like it in the world. It’s a high of its own.
She is doing that thing where she cuts me open to see me in the rawest of forms; looking through my fucked-up soul, or lack thereof. Or maybe my soul has been finally restored now that she is back.
I can’t look away. I am watching her, watch me. It’s like she can see that I am filled to the brim with flaws, but despite that I am still her:
Whole.
Damn.
World.
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Raven
What the fuck is happening? Why are we just dumbfoundedly staring at each other?
I can’t even breathe under this intensity. I am in some sort of fog where all I can see is him.
For days, all I have been able to see is him. Even with even ten people living in this house it feels like we are the only two people, not only in this house but on the whole damn planet. It's like he is my:
Whole.
Fucking.
World.
Fuck. Me. When did this happen?
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Milo
The sudden shift in energy is palpable in the air. Raven’s breathing pattern is different. My own heart is pounding in my chest.
Raven is nervously fidgeting by her door, looking at me with that look that’s about to burst my ribcage open. She is… waiting. It’s the universal end of the night kiss me sign.
This is the first time Raven is giving me an opening. I want this more than I want oxygen but my sight has to remain on the end goal; Raven’s unconditional love. That’s what I have always craved. To be that loved by another human being who doesn’t need acknowledgment of their devotion. It’s intoxicating.
For the longest time I thought I had it. The moment I realized that I didn’t, I lost it.
I have been trying to reach it ever since, but it has always stayed right out of the cusp of my fingertips where I can’t ever get to it.
Now that it’s so fucking close again, I can’t risk losing it forever due to a momentary relapse.
I have been doing a lot of research on trauma and the after-affects of it. Her shaking, her shuddering, her sudden reactive responses, all indicates trauma.
Despite all of the therapists I have spoken to so far, it’s clear that there isn’t much I can do unless she agrees to talk about it. It has to be her choice, and Raven refuses to divulge any more information on the topic.
My guess? This is about the night before she left for Paris.
Raven doesn’t believe me when I tell her that I love her, but she never once questioned Reid or Mia’s devotion. Raven would have never given up their unconditional love, the thing she desires most in this world, unless it was truly her tipping point.
Something shut down in Raven that night, especially in the way she looks at me. It has been different ever since that night.
Even now, Raven is looking at me with lust, but it’s still mixed with anxiety. It’s an automatic response to someone who subconsciously terrifies her.
At times, she is fine in my company. She is okay with me touching her and holding her hand. She cuddles up on my chest when we are close.
At other times, I am walking on eggshells due to her absentminded reactions.
I force her to eat every meal with me, but her weight loss has been noticed by even our most distracted family members. They have also noticed the dark circles under her eyes.
The nightmares, the lack of sleep, the sudden reflexes, it’s all slowly getting out of control. Twice, I took away needles while she was distractedly digging it into her fingers because I reached for her too abruptly.
There is no fucking road map for this. No way to navigate through her mind. No way to know what could set her off, except watching for her body language and assuring her that I am not a threat to her anymore. We simply need more time so she can trust me again.
“It was never just sex,” I repeat to drill it into her brain. “It was about our connection. After experiencing the real deal, the idea of anything less felt empty. Just the thought of someone else left me feeling dissatisfied, craving for something better.”
Raven might be giving me the signal, but her apprehension remains. If I follow her into her bedroom, it will be a momentary relapse. It won't be worth the consequences if she reacts poorly.
Instead of letting this lust-fuck moment continue and get out of control, I cut the tension playfully. “It’s like being asked to be on a vegetarian diet when you are a strict carnivore.”
Raven laughs out loud, breaking our staring contest and the tension pulsing through the air.
She uses her own playful face. “Are you saying that I am a piece of meat?”
My face is about to split open from the grin I am wearing. “You are Wagyu meat,” I simply confirm, hiding any amusement. “When you are used to having Kobe beef and then asked to eat grass, the space fillers don’t actually satiate. It leaves you feeling hungrier.”
“Oh my God. Stop comparing me to food. I’m getting hungry again.”
I chuckle and change the topic. “Fine. Are we still on for tomorrow?”
The small frown on Raven’s forehead displays her surprise that I am ending the night so abruptly. “Yes,” she says awkwardly with a forced smile. “We can go whenever you wake up.”
“Okay,” I give her a nod. “Good night then.”
“Good night,” Raven nods but stands around for a minute longer. She looks unsure if I am making a move or not. I back away first with a wave of my hand.
Cue the most awkward goodnight we have shared in weeks.
CHAPTER 9
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Milo
Uncle John has been encouraging Raven to go on long walks to improve her range of motion. Her physical recovery has been extremely slow, and somewhat painful.
For today’s walk, we are at a trail close to my condo. The walk is quiet. This is the most silent we have been in each other’s company in weeks.